Well, I haven’t written in a very very long time and there is a reason. I’ve gone through so much loss, pain, heart ache and set backs. I don’t want to write about or wallow in it. But it’s time to update you and move forward…as best I can...
The loss of my brother, Eric, left me in a state of mourning for almost 3 years. I think I started getting my head around things the beginning of this year. After he died of melanoma in late July, 2015, I threw myself if a flurry of non stop work, non stop travel, projects, avoided friends except for my wrestling clients, most of whom I consider friends. The difference is that when I’m in a session, I forget about everything going on in my life and am 100% into what I’m doing then and there. So this was all a way of avoiding processing such deep loss. Of course, the loss and sadness never go away, but I no longer feel torn open and my brother ripped from my heart. I feel his loss and a scar and memories…I think of him everyday. And I will every day of life. June 27 was the 3 year anniversary of his death. Seems like yesterday.
After the loss of my brother, I loss 2 men who deeply influenced my life. First my client, Jacques, who I knew for 22 years. I wrote about him in my last diary entry. So I don’t need to go into the details of why I loved this man in this entry. The second was my friend Sherman Drexler who I was introduced when I met Joan Wise and her husband, Larry. Sherman was an amazing artist and an amazing person. These 2 older men were mentors to me in very different ways. I will carry them always in my heart.
Side thought...Funny how men are…I feel they are 16 forever on the inside. 16 year olds in bodies that get older! LOL! Am I right? Oh hell, sometimes I feel like I’m a 12 year old…most of the time, I guess. Occasionally a 5 year old!
In early July I flew out to take my Mom and Dad on a road trip to visit their relatives in the midwest. My sister flew from DC to New Mexico to join us I drove 3200 miles round trip. Yes, I did all the driving and there were some very flat, long roads where I got stuck behind slow going truckers! The first 2 days were a bit aggravating…yes, I got pulled over by a cop in Missouri who gave me a speeding ticket…guy was a bully jerk, but that’s another story! Once we got to Iowa, where my parents are from, the long monotonous drive was well worth it! Seeing relatives was awesome! Family Rocks!
My Mom turned 80 years old on July 2. So hard to believe. My beautiful Mom has been battling breast cancer for 3 1/2 years. She is a gem. She’s doing fairly well at the moment. The cancer is under control…at least that’s what her oncologist has said. Not that I trust any oncologist or doctor. They practice a lot of guess work and get paid well for their guessing games. Oh…some are better than others but sometimes I get a bit pissy and think if they guess wrong, they shouldn’t get a paycheck….like in the case with my brother…and Jacques and Sherman. All 3 died of cancer and all 3 had oncologists who fucked up. Of course, cancer is a disease that is elusive, sneaky, and ultimately deadly.
Cancer is probably the word I hate most...What’s resonating right now is the sadness of the loss of my dog, Gillies. Only 9 years old. Last November I went into my bedroom, ready for bed. All the doggies were snuggled in earlier. I was shocked to see my bed covered in blood. I had no idea where it had come from. Upon further inspection, I realized it was from Gillies’ nose. I panicked, wanting to take him to the emergency vet but frightened to take him into unknown territories so late at night. Instead, I held him all night, as he snorted out blood. I was afraid and felt so alone. The following morning, we headed off to see my vet. He told me it could be something stuck in his nasal passage, aspergillus or cancer. The last 2 are deadly. He kept him, took X-rays, lots of tests and found out nothing. He recommended a veterinary specialist which brought back memories of what I went through with my dog, Harley, when she had 4th stage lymphoma! $13,000 in vet specialist/oncology bills and never ever one of them was there to speak to me following a treatment. It was an expensive 4 month journey where I avoided almost everyone I knew because no one understood that I had to do this for my baby. I was blinded by wanting to save her life. 4 months later and $13,000 in credit card debt to a bunch of vultures who prey on the weak souls trying to hold onto a life so precious to them, no matter the cost...monetarily, mentally, emotionally! So here I am faced with meeting another specialist and my defenses were up! I made an appointment and off we went, my little boy, Gillies, and I in the horrendous Los Angeles morning traffic. It took an hour and a half to get through the city. We arrived a few minutes late and I was told that my appointment was for the following day! Upset is an understatement. Defenses up, I already felt these people were our enemies. I told them I wasn’t leaving. Fit us in! I would be in my office, pointing to my tiny Smart car, parked in front of the front doors and asked them to call me as soon as they had an opening! We then sat in my car and waited. We didn’t have to wait long as we were in a stark little office within 30 minutes. We sat and waited. Someone came in and I filled out paperwork. Then they came back and took my boy away to check him out. I waited….and waited and waited….Finally they came back and told me in order to know if it was cancer or aspergilis, they’d have to do $4000 in tests, just to find out what it was. They told me he probably had less than 3 months to live. But there was no cure for either…so I cried, then we left.
I found a holistic guy…not a doctor…a guy named Mark who runs a store called the Petstaurant. He gives advice on nutrition, supplements for the immune system, etc. He doesn’t charge. Of course, I bought the supplements from his store. He also runs a shelter for small dogs at the store. He’s a cool guy. Anyway, I’m sure that the advice he gave and the supplements, food, etc that I bought, extended Gillies’ life for 6 months. Still can’t believe that beautiful little boy is gone. He battled! Several times, we thought his time was up and everytime but the last he rallied and got better. Never BETTER, but well enough to want to hike and eat and snuggle with him Mommy!
So, just when you think, life might give you a grace period and recovery time from grief, you get hit again! Gabriel (Gillies’ brother) was diagnosed with cancer a week ago. Two and a half weeks ago, he collapsed and I had to take him to the vet. He wouldn’t eat, couldn’t walk, gums were white. I knew something was seriously wrong. The vet kept him for a few hours, did blood tests and X-rays. I picked him up the end of the afternoon and was told his platelets were low, red blood cells were low and his spleen looked inflamed on the X-rays. Vet put my boy on prednisone and carafate and sent him home. He scheduled an ultrasound for the following Friday. The ultrasound showed fluid on the spleen….next step…splenectomy was schedule for the following Monday. My baby came home that night and was high as a kite on the pain patch and meds…The Vet said there were tumors on his spleen but no tumors on any of his other organs. I felt he was going to be ok. Hmmmmm…I shouldn’t think….
I took him in so the vet could check his stitches last Saturday. Then I was given the bad news. Gabriel has hemangiosarcoma. 2-3 months to live. I can’t believe it! These boys are only 9 years old. Not even 9 1/2! So here we go again! I have him on supplements from Mark at Petstaurant. We meet with Mark again tomorrow. So far Gabriel is acting happy, healthy...same little clown he always was. So we’ll say, maybe he’ll hang around a bit longer, too. I sure hope so. If love could cure, he would be cured. Love…what a beautiful word.
Well I’m flying home from NYC right now. I had a great day and a half there! Everyone showed up!!! YAY!!! Well, one of my regulars did cancel due to last minute work problem but he paid me for my time and I will send him some video links in return. He’ll also get an extra hard scissor next time I see him to make up for lost time!!! LOL!
Chicago was nearly a wipe out except for seeing one of my favorite guys from Wisconsin who bought me some lovely Tom Ford perfume and lip gloss (I am a lucky girl!!!) Well those gifts were only for me if I won a scissor contest! LOL! Which I did easily!!! No one should ever underestimate the power of my thighs!!! And I got to see my good friend, Barry, 2 nights in a row for pizza! And one of my regulars (and good friend) came by to see me for a quick hug and paid me for the session anyway. That was very nice of him. So all in all it was a very uplifting trip. And the news that Gabriel is doing so well the past 4 1/2 days, gives me hope.
Have a wonderful weekend and week to come! Please email me with questions regarding sessions, training, yoga, Custom Videos, Photos, etc. at firstname.lastname@example.org
Peace, Love, Namaste,
PS New Yoga Class for YOGA FOR MEN WHO THINK THEY CAN’T DO YOGA! is coming and also YOGA FOR FIGHTERS is coming soon!!!